arnie s WACHMAN's E-Mail Address: whiffinpoets@shaw.ca

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN	Critique Date
Where's a frog when you need one!	Lynda G Smith	This is a poem darkly. A poem that needs some sunlight and fresh air. Is this a fairy tale or reality? I don't know but probably a mix of both. One waits for the sun of summer to grow the other needs a frog! Is there a comparison here? Anyway, I wonder about the last line. Is it necessary? Rrrrrbit! Thanks for this bit of melancholy mixed with humour.	2005-01-13 18:04:04
verse 67 (Jellyfish)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	It sure does look like a parachute doesn't it? Well done. Your're the Master of this method. Thanks Erzahl.	2005-01-07 16:30:46
Christmas Traces	Mell W. Morris	As a Nurse in the field of psychiatry I never heard of that strep factor. Can you point me to where you read it? I have known many hoarders and none as bad as one pt. I had that used to stack even her sanitary pads, and amazingly enough her husband put up with it. Needless to say he had his own problems. One suggestion I have for you in this well thought out poem is to rid the capital letters from the beginning of your sentences that don't need them. Just a small point that would help to make the flow better. I also like the way you use (for me anyway), new words which make me scramble for my dictionary, i.e.:rutilant and lubricious. Thanks for letting me critique.	2005-01-07 15:15:03
Individuality	Latorial D. Faison	I like the simplicity of this piece. Line for line it bodes well. I have always ascribed to individuality even in marriage (which gets me into trouble at times). Kahlil Gibran says it best in one piece on marriage. Being an "individual" is hard esp. for women because if they marry most of them take on the husband's name therefore losing that piece of individuality. Did you know that in the Province of Quebec a woman must keep her maiden name? Good stuff Latorial. Thanks for the read.	2005-01-07 14:15:27
Directions of Lost Passing	James Edward Schanne	Well thought out and well intentioned poem which got my interest. However I do not agree with with the last stanza. I will never forget the horrors of Bergen-Belzen, Auschwitz and all the other Nazi death camps. It was a horrible period of our time not a natural disaster. Thanks so much for posting.	2005-01-07 14:10:37
untitled	Rachel F. Spinoza	You really do hate me don't you?	2005-01-05 15:37:36
The Rectification of Names	Rachel F. Spinoza	the name’s the thing........who said "what's in a name?" Confucius dreamed...........Ya, but at least he was a peacenik the Bard thought not........I'm not so sure about that. He is still the most prolific writer still, dynasties fabricate banter................so true, look at the Bush's crusade into foreign fields.....America? chanting adamant lies, wrapped in libelous banners..............Ah, now you're talking Romeo is still but Romeo named, [and a rose is still a rose].....they never named one after me~! At endgame we weary of editing tombstones and naming names.................the oldest graveyard I was in was in England and Martha's Vineyard. both fascinating places. listen............................I am and I hear you. The sky is breathing birdsong oceans disperse whimperings of fishes and crab. In the last burst of screaming sunset .............Very good I marry myself to nameless, undulating syllables and sigh...........................me too! Well, finally I can understand you. Well thought out and well written. Your title does the poem justice. Thanks for letting me read it. HNY.	2005-01-03 16:44:13
Norsemen of Antiquity	Thomas H. Smihula	And on they came. But I am confused about your direction of East. Is that on the Eastern shore and striking out towards the West or vice versa? If they went without sail did they drift or did they have oars? Who were these people? Norsemen you say. Remenants of Norse remain to this day on the shores of Newfoundland which are considered to be of 11th century well before any European set foot, Cabot, Champlain, etc. Interesting read and well set out. Thanks for the read.	2005-01-01 19:38:38
The Stones I Carry	Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.	There is a deep meaning here I am sure, however I am not quite sure what it is. It was a compelling read none the less and I'm still trying to figure it out. As a therapist I am "supposed" to know the meanings here but without further contact to ask questions I am at a loss. Maybe it means that you are trapped. Trapped within your own boundaries and walls that you set for yourself, and then finally the doors open you are still burdened because your old thoughts/ feelings are still trapped within you and you still can't see the forest for the trees as the saying goes. You still cannot believe that you are free...free of your impediments...free to lose those stones so that there are no more walls to break down, etc. Am I off base? Thanks for the reading and allowing me to critique. It was fascinating.	2005-01-01 19:15:00
Letting the Me Out	Latorial D. Faison	I think you know that I am a (retired Psychiatric Nurse), and you speak here so eloquently of keeping your feelings bottled up. You don't mention the walls (so called) that one builds to keep others out and learning the "true you." You mention "stompings and blows." I trust that you are or have received the help you need to rid yourself of this burden. Thanks for giving us a look into your psyche (which undoubtedly) is difficult to do. Best of the NY to you. This is a well constructed poem with an endearing title.	2005-01-01 13:17:28
"What is a Tsunami?"	Latorial D. Faison	Well if people don't know what the word means by now then there is no hope for them. I too wrote a poem about this disaster before I read this one and I encouraged people to donate as well... parallel minds? This month it' too many ....do you mean "it's?" What more can I say? Good stuff esp. the last stanza.	2004-12-30 18:08:46
In the Sea of Sri Lanka	Jane A Day	Jane. I can't say I understand this. Somehow I think this is related to the recent disaster, but your last line leaves me questioning. Like what has this got to do with San Diego a half world away? Curling over him like the abstraction Of the infinity sign..................I like this line though And then you threw in black holes and red mud of Mars. You got me! I guess I'm not that abstract! But...thanks for being here and posting. I'd love to hear what this is about.	2004-12-30 18:02:48
Because I'm a Woman	Latorial D. Faison	Oh good one Latorial, however is this not a bit of a "Poor me" attitude? Right now I am thinking of a book I'm reading called, "Madam Secretary" by Albright. I am also thinking of the Black woman who has risen up so highly in your government Condoleeza Rice. What makes these women different? Thanks for sharing your views.	2004-12-28 17:50:50
Unknown	Latorial D. Faison	My question is why is there a difference between white and black? Is it because of upbringing? The region of the world we live in? The money? The fairy tales we're told? Due to the area of the world I live in, my contact with Blacks is very minimal...although I have had contacts way back when I was in University, etc.You have brought up a valid subject on the inner voices. As a Psychiatric Nurse I can tell you that these voices can be real to some people (namely Schizophrenics)and can be considered dangerous if acted upon which many of the latter do. 20% of Schizophrenics wind up committing suicide. Thanks for posting this piece.	2004-12-28 16:48:55
Sanity Claus	James Edward Schanne	The last line of the first stanza says it all to me. Well, to me it says that all the presents given will be or are as cover-up for whatever ails you...until the next time. Loved your title and I got a kick out of the whole thing. Thanks for the submission.	2004-12-28 16:39:27
THE KING HAS SPOKEN	Monica ONeill	Yo. Reminds me of someone I know, or of a cat I know. I like the repition which sets forward the tone. Cats certainly are Royal aren't they? Good one, and thanks for posting during this busy season.	2004-12-22 12:47:44
Out The Window I Go	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Thanks for the laugh Paul. I had a similar experience from a window when I was (I think) three years of age. I can still see the stitches in my lip and eyebrom at the age of 69! Fell onto a rock garden twenty feet below. As you can tell (or can you) I still have my facilties (although many may question that!). Good ryhming story. Thanks for brightening up my day.	2004-12-19 17:01:34
HIM	marilyn terwilleger	revels my acceptance of...sp. s/b reveals. Can He hear me? Can He see me? Or is He only in my tutored mind? Some say "he" can...Sometimes I wonder. I cannot fathom a G-d who professes to love his creations allowing the death camps to exist. I cannot really comment on this secular piece mainly because I am not of your faith. Note:Jews do not have images of G-d and or icons in their synagogues. Note: The initial sin is not in a Jews vocabulary...i.e. that we're all born sinners. We believe we are born with a clean slate. I hope you don't mind me pointing out these differences.	2004-12-19 16:53:47
I Named Him Ocean For His Father	Rachel A Couch	Such a sad poem. What drew me in was the title. My grandson is named Ocean. There are some grammatical errors here and I wish you would clean them up to make this one fine poem. It has lots of heart and feeling. I would also re-construct the lines...some are way too long and should be put into the body of this poem. Right now it only detracts from what you are saying. your undetectable, decisive nod told me you thought so. Q: if a nod is undetectable then how could you know it's decisive? A: by saying "your 'almost' undetectable decisive nod told me..... Also, take out the comma in that line. It's not necessary. Like I said ... this piece has merit but it needs some work. Thanks for letting me critique.	2004-12-17 15:36:53
Nightmare At My Street	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Well I"m certainly glad that you don't suffer from this syndrome. As a medical person I know of no other like syndrome in the Western World. Like you said, I think it's from too much red uncooked meat which has been highly spiced. Somehow I think I remember you writing about this before, amd I not right? Thanks for the information though. I've always said I will die at the age of 94 caught in bed with my killer's 24 year old blonde and beautiful wife!. Now, that's the way to go!! Thanks so much for posting this informative piece.	2004-12-16 16:34:27
Love Tide	marilyn terwilleger	I liked it. I don't know why. Perhaps it did say something to me I have yet to figure. I liked the sonnet approach. It's different. thanks.	2004-12-08 16:31:46
Blood and roses.	Keith Robson	The red rose...and the poppy. I liked the line "cloaked..." Good one.I'm not sure if I agree with 'for all his craft in arts in war" line. I've never looked at war as a craft! Maybe their is some craft in blowing up people? I don't know. I don't know anything. I enjoyed this piece. Thanks for posting.	2004-12-05 13:52:46
My wretched shower	Mark Andrew Hislop	Man, that was some shower. So you are wretched are you? I loved how you turned this into something more personal. Your million lips of moisture over me, Those sad unsalted tears that washed me clean. Wonderful lines. Thanks for posting.	2004-12-03 13:50:43
Academian Nuts	James Edward Schanne	Hmm. Don't know where you were going with this one. To be honest, I didn't like it. Why? Because there were just too many big words ... tautology, ontology ...shouldn't that be "oncology"? Anyway, that's my take on it. Score me zero.	2004-12-02 16:36:11
Night Song	Mark D. Kilburn	Oh yes I've heard this bird. It has a really neat tune like you wrote. Another one is the Loon. Each Loon's call is different for they imitate sounds from nature. The last stanza is the one I can enjoy the most. Good symmetry and rhyme. Thanks for this.	2004-12-02 16:31:25
Good-Bye	Debbie Spicer	A sad poem about someone you once loved...but you can never turn back as you suggest in the last stanza. I really like the line "shards of life remained." It was cutting and oh so final. Thanks for letting me read this interesting piece.	2004-12-01 14:15:39
Mist	Regis L Chapman	Well it is said that we are born of the ocean. Fact...our body is 93 percent water so maybe you're returning to your roots? and roots are fed by water.Strange huh? Some grammatical errors you may like to resolve: to get it's next tasks...it's says "it is" so it should be "its." so said such Ocean...ocean does not need to be capitalized. Good illiteration...i.e.:brought, brazen, breeze, etc. etc. The sloshing tide within you is me...can that be in reference to you in the womb? All in all a good poem which although, I find a bit choppy and long. Thanks for posting....	2004-12-01 14:11:44
Over Sophistication	James Edward Schanne	a refracted vortex mindfully rinsced...sp...s/b rinsed. Yikes...I don't understand this. To me it's just a stream of consciousness that perhaps you're trying to overwhelm me with those big words that don't seem to go anywhere. Sorry, but that's my taking on it.	2004-11-28 15:03:54
Be There	Regis L Chapman	You are a man going through some life changes. You are searching..."and who am I to ask?" Man, I understand. Can't say "been there done that" 'cause I'm still searching. Always have been. You're right. You're ina complex soup...but keep on going... 'cause there are NO answers. Thanks for posting.	2004-11-24 15:56:08
#5 Comedy of Terror	Jana Buck Hanks	Well you've captured the essence of the mask and managed to turn it around. good show. Standing "O".	2004-11-11 18:58:04
Sail	Regis L Chapman	The wind is blowing through you? Better get some Saran wrap and glue! Better hope there isn't a 'noreastern a blowin'. Not often do poets end poems well. You have done so by repition of the first stanza which stands well. I can hear Stan Rogers sing this one. Too bad he's dead. Nice work. Good flow and ease of reading. Sail on Master, sail on.	2004-11-11 18:55:42
ILLINOIS	Mark D. Kilburn	I don't say this too often, but this is a GREAT poem. It has truth and sincerity. I loved the repition about Illinois changed but for one word in a middle stanza.I like the way you described your mother and sister's, esp. your mother when you said she had a halo round her (a symbol of holiness in Christian circles). The only thing I may suggest is the word "think" is the very first stanza. To me, either you did or didn't. Perhaps just use the word "I saw..." Good and great stuff. First to go on my list this month! Thanks for allowing me this fine read. P.S.: I used to live in Peoria).	2004-09-12 15:57:49
Customized Love	Jana Buck Hanks	Pant, pant, pant. I must learn to write this mushy stuff. I like the feeling of the skin and the touch the way you describe it."Foretasting" ... a wonderful word I think You just coined. Thanks. It reads very well and the title is apt.	2004-09-06 16:53:56
UNTITLED	JACK M HRINIAK	This is a wonderful tribute to your father. I really wouldn't change a thing EXCEPT there are some techical difficulties I would like to see changed. I shall go to the last line first. Why do you have it run on? For me it takes away from the flow and meaning of what you have written which is so sweet. Next, to me, NEVER have an untitled poem. Each one has its merits. Perhaps at the time you wrote it you couldn't come up with one. Let it sit for a day or two and one will come to mind. Even a simple title such as "My Father - A tribute." is better than none. Thanks for allowing me the privilege of reading this.	2004-09-06 14:25:02
Flow?	Ryan D Allen	I say you have the rudiments of a thinker poet. Your poem runs from flow to flow. You use a double negative. It's only you that can say it works (flows) well or not. Guess you will have to see what others think. I don't remember seeing your poetry before, but keep it coming, and thanks for posting. P.S. You are the writer, so if you say it doesn't flow, who am I to argue?	2004-09-05 16:43:42
The Rock of Heaven	Gene Dixon	A wonderful tribute to the new baby of Mark's. I just love the last stanza. Is there really anything more beautiful than virgin snow (which I can see across the water on the mountains), and the wildflowers which I've planted in the front yard. Very visual stuff. Thanks for the read.	2004-09-05 14:55:38
Moonlight	marilyn terwilleger	I never know about Haiku. This one I count 5,5, 5. Am I wrong. Anyway it's very well done. Whose wonders? Mans or Gods? Guess they're one and the same. Thanks for posting.	2004-09-05 14:50:39
japanese verse 57 (Photographs)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Ah, the Master is at it again. Succinct. I used to have a Zen Master that thought photos were a waste of time because they only captured the past. Stay in the present he said, which is really true but it's nice to go through photos with friends who weren't there at that moment isn't it? Good work ELME. BTW, what does the M stand for?	2004-09-04 12:40:18
Lavender Luminance	Mell W. Morris	"One writes in order to erase" One true paradox of the human condition. As if putting it down on paper gives us leave to turn the eraser loose inside our heads and vacumn out the memories because they are too painfull to live with. Or perhaps so that we will remember. Perhaps our minds are like the first computers, and the papers, like to first floppies...we write to save our data from being erased by the ravages of time. Kind of a wierd analogy there? Just that ancient computer acting up again....beter save the data, quick... Nice read...have a great day...and take care of that original computer of yours....	2004-09-02 20:06:30
A Rose for You	Wayne R. Leach	Oh my, this hits home. As one who has been separated from a love. And to be remembered so romantically. Time and circumstance sometimes do not allow us to follow our heart. WE are separated by committments, by cirumstance, by life. But there is sometimes that one person, that one cannot ever forget, though all one can do is remember, and sometimes wish, and wonder, what if... I hope your what if happens, if at all possible...and, whether it does or not, know that this depth of love is something not everyone experiences. Mine happened in an instant, and will last for a lifetime....in my heart...Best to you....	2004-09-02 20:00:15
japanese verse 58 (Rooster)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	The rooster...the voice of a new day. Who needs to reach the clouds when that tell tale sound says to all "it's time...get your butt out of bed?" I like these short verses....simple subject, yet you find the subtle beauty beneath. Nice job....more...more....please	2004-09-02 19:53:06
1 (Emerald)	Jana Buck Hanks	Sounds like a beautiful tropical get away...a post card in words...Is this a series? I wonder about the 1? And the emerald....perhaps a greener sea than tropical, such as that of the marine rich that of the North? Either way, a delightful description of the sea shore, my favorite place to be. Take care...	2004-09-02 19:46:54
Red Sand	Wayne R. Leach	Recent events have given us new images to ponder, and to write about. You have captured these latest atrocities in this succinct verse. I cannot think of a better way to express what you have...so I shall just tell you that you have done well, delivered your message with grace and style...difficult with such a subject. Be at peace.	2004-09-02 19:41:24
Here in the Dark	Patricia Gibson-Williams	Patricia, I can relate to this...and it is such an apt decription of how we react when the ones we love are stricken..and yes things are most often magnified at night. Our fears seem greater, perhaps even our fear of sleep...we don't want that rest to become permanent. I have held a loved ones arm in the middle of the night, watching them breath, and praying that they should awake and be with me in the dawn. Beautiful, emotional and descriptive. I hope things are better for you now......	2004-09-02 19:26:22
Search	Edwin John Krizek	Once upon a time I found my rose..but I wasn't looking. And my rose still exists, and as the memory is held dear within the beats of my heart, I can totally relate. I hope you find your rose, and if you already have, that you will be reunited someday. Lovely sentiment. Romantically charming. Just a note to tell you I enjoyed this. Happy searching.	2004-09-02 19:14:08
Trip to the City	Edwin John Krizek	Sometimes the grass is not really greener on the other side. Having lived in the city for all by the last year and a half, I have adjusted to life in more natural climes quite well. I can see why you returned to that which is closer to the soul of our species. We build things to make life easier, to make it "better". I think at some point we over did it. We turned our natural world into concrete, tar mack and plastic...the more walls and fences the better, bigger is better taller fancier, monuments to say "see what I did." Nature has its own monuments, redwoods, the oceans, an eagle soaring....none of which are man made, nor were they constructed for a pat on the back. Mother Nature just created...for the beauty of it. Now that I have gone on....and on....I wish you more mornings with tea and mayo and beautiful surroundings.	2004-09-02 19:09:07
Orphan	DeniMari Z.	An orphan will most likely never know their biological parents because of circumstance. And, sometimes, biological children will never really know their own blood parents...perhaps because of the pressures of the modern world, work and fast pace taking precidence over family, perhaps because of apathy...who knows what other reasons there are for the lack of bonding between child and parents. Which is easier? Or are both positions, that of biological ignored child, and the kept in the dark circumstanced orphan, equally difficult? Perhaps one day we may be able answer these questions, or better still, avoid the reasons for them being asked. I wish you well.	2004-09-02 19:00:38
Heart Eyes	JACK M HRINIAK	Jack I'm really not quite sure what this was all about. I'm not quite sure why a blind man has to sing to a black king. Can it not be just a black man he's, singing to? Like how does he know whom he's singing to unless somebody points that out? A black man receiving (strange choice of words there) the sun can also feel its warmth, n'estce pas? Why is there no period at the end? Such are my thoughts. Thanks for posting. P.S.: strange layout! Am I being overly critical or stupid? Maybe you shouldn't answer that! hahaha	2004-08-31 22:03:23
Virgin Snow	cheryl a kelley	First of all, I enjoyed the story...however, the layout could use a lot of work. What I mean by that is you allow your words to run far off the computers edge. This reads more like a newspaper article than a poem. I stand on the porch and see that the snow almost meets the last step Three feet, it should be up to my chest. I jump in with both feet and am startled to hear crackling and feel pointed edges Catch and pull at my jeans and threaten my knee caps. Standing on the porch The snow almost comes up to the last step-about 3 feet high Jumping in with both feet I hear a crackling and am startled by the pointed edges (of ice) catching and pulling at my jeans and threatening my knee caps Just an idea. It's a neat story but I think it could use some work and revision. This is a critique, not a slur against your story. Thanks for allowing me to do this.	2004-08-31 15:32:47
2 (Play)	Jana Buck Hanks	I be very gentle...this is very good. I am no great critiquer of this style, but in the few short lines it does make sense...especially here where I live by the ocean (only yards away). The children do play here, the white caps rolls in, etc. Good stuff. Thanks.	2004-08-31 13:06:03
Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN	Critique Date

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